Silence is scary, not because of lack of sound, but of the capability of sound
Point blank, I hate the quiet, the silence, the nothing resonating in my eardrums.
I have always hated the quiet, ever since I was little. Most people hate silence because of the normal emotions attached to to.
Silence is synonymous with lonliness, lack of friends, sadness, bitterness, time to think, to brood, painful memories and so on. Typical, normal feelings/actions.
Silence does not mean these things to me. I do not experience this at ALL. Fear. This is the dominant emotion that rides its way up my spine and curls through my fingers before finally settling into an icy ball in the bottom of my stomach.
One breath(quick exhale)…two(inhale)…then voices. Slow, whispering, chilling as they rise, filling the warning silence with white noise that is both decipherable and alien to me. And then it stops…it waits and then just a low hum of multiple desires and jeers in the background, I see shadows, I feel intense SOMETHING.
Hearing that quick exhale of whateverthefuckit/theyare, the PREQUEL to my ensuing ordeal, rivals only that of the fear I felt as my mother passed before my eyes. I honestly do not know which is worse, depends on my mood I guess…
Just hearing that wakes up me faster that an adrenaline shot, I could be on the verge of sleep and me…unknowing of the silence because of my heavy eyelids (exhale) !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I’ve woken from sleep limbo many a night and day, ready to fight, cry, submit, SCREAM (In most cases I do, cold sweat and everything). I scramble for the tv remote, my mp3 player, phone, anything to make sound.
A simple sound will do. Having another person with me helps. Just hearing them breathe is enough, even, normal, KNOWN. I don’t need much. The whirring of my ceiling fan does just fine. Having my cats Gambit and Dende sleep with me certainly took the edge off. And for the past few months I’ve been falling asleep on the phone with my now boyfriend. For a LONG time if I didn’t have my mp3 player I’d get headaches and go into a mini panic and would borrow someone else’s player or just bear with it and make conversation or focus on the nature around me. I’ve recently gotten out of that habit and don’t sweat so much about my mp3 player because it’s easier for me to focus on the sounds around me.
Recently though….recently, I hear them WITH background noise. Not all the time, but for instance tonight…my boyfriend left the room and went downstairs to get me water because stuffy, stiffling heat makes me sleepy. I mean, it saps my life force and I start getting super sleepy and I can barely move and I might as well be drunk. I could hear his mother downstairs gibbering away in spanish to their puppy and I was losing more strength as the seconds went by and exhale
I screamed and almost fell outta bed trying to untangle myself from the covers. I sat up in bed and had my mp3 player blasting, afraid to move.
My boyfriend knows about my problem (and thankfully doesn’t think I’m crazy) so when he came up and saw my dramatic change from heat coma to i’mgoingtofuckingdiewherethefuckhaveyoubeenthismusicisn’tloudenoughicanstillhearmyheartandicanstillFEEL
He asked if it was the silence, I nodded and he hugged me and I had a small cry, no more than 5 seconds, drank my water and was jittery all the way home.
It wasn’t as bad when I was a child. I had my dolls and my sister sleeping across the room, my parents to run to if I got scared enough. But I’m 21 now. My mother is gone, my sister lives in in the next county and my father has enough on his plate. All I have is my cat, a supportive boyfriend and a handful of friends I can call in the dead of the night to say “Whats up?” when actually it’s “I’m fucking scared and I wanna cry, just talk me to sleep!”
Let’s not get started on the nightmares that result from this neurotic problem.
Maybe I am crazy. I have no idea what they/it wants, is saying, or even if it’s real or just my imagination;The fear is real though, as real as you and me. Meh, Just ranting, letting my feelings flow.